Has this happened to you or have you witness something similar?
A new bottom consented to a double bottoming scene. It was the first time the bottom and the Top had ever played. It was also the first time the two bottoms met. Both bottoms fully consented, never discussed any discomfort during negotiations.
The next day one of the bottoms began quietly telling others she did not consent to the scene. Said she didn’t even know it was going to happen, she was uncomfortable doing a double bottom scene with another bottom she did not know. I knew the bottom was not telling the truth because I overheard the negotiation and planning session.
The bottom probably was not genuinely comfortable during the negotiations and during the scene but never indicated it to the Top. Instead, she began spreading rumors after the fact about the Top doing something she did not like nor consent to.
The next week the Top and bottom debriefed. The bottom acknowledged her discomfort and that her need to please the top over road her own need to protect herself and negotiate properly and code when needed.
The topic is: The bottom negotiated, consented, never indicated discomfort then misrepresented the facts to others and damaged the Tops reputation. How could this have been prevented? The Top had negotiated and planned the scene with the two bottoms ad nauseam and still, her reputation was damaged. How could this have been prevented?
Since it was the first time the Top and bottom played together and both bottoms were unknown to each other, was this type of scene appropriate for their first scene? What else could the Top have done to ensure everyone was negotiating and playing within their comfort zone? How important is it to check in with the bottoms the next 72 hours?
Leave your comments and questions below.
There are many tools from our S&M world that we can take back into our Vanilla life. Safe words come to mind first. My girlfriend is new to the S&M lifestyle so she has been educated in the use of safe words for sex and BDSM scenes. I was taking her home to my mother’s house for her first ever family holiday gathering. My girlfriend is an introvert and deals with some anxiety issues. She was asking what she should do if she becomes uncomfortable for any reason. I offered that we should have a secret signal, better yet a safe word only known to her and me. If she used yellow in a sentence it would be a request for me to get her out of the conversation of the room. If she used red in a sentence I would extract her from the room and look for a way for her to be alone even if it meant she left for a while.
We had a great holiday and she did not need to use her safe words at Thanksgiving nor Christmas but is healthy for us to have the options.
Safe words are boundaries and it is healthy to put boundaries in place in any aspect of your life not just S&M